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Monday, 27 May 2013

@ The Asylum: It doesn't matter

@ The Asylum: It doesn't matter: It doesn't matter how I feel, the world will continue to turn. It doesn't matter how I feel, the chores will need to be done. It...

It doesn't matter

It doesn't matter how I feel, the world will continue to turn. It doesn't matter how I feel, the chores will need to be done. It doesn't matter how I feel, the children still demand time. It doesn't matter how I feel, the husband still commands centre stage. It doesn't matter how I feel, the bricks continue to crumble. It doesn't matter how I feel, the chaos will continue to regin. Right or wrong, left or right, foward or reverse, it will make no difference. It doesn't matter how I feel.

Sunday, 21 April 2013

@ The Asylum: Maze

@ The Asylum: Maze: I find mysef at the begining of an unexpected journey. I cannot possibly imagine the journey and what it will entail. I am at the start. T...


I find mysef at the begining of an unexpected journey. I cannot possibly imagine the journey and what it will entail. I am at the start. The start of what I do not know and uncertainty disrupts the fragile balance I work hard to acheive. 

I was enjoying myself. That should have been my first clue.

I was relaxed and could see with clarity. That should have been my second.

The White Isle was calling. Whispering promises of relaxation and tranquility. Who are we to ignore her calls? A last minute flight was booked and two weeks later there we were, our little peace of (borrowed) heaven. 

True to form she delivered. A week of warm, sunny, days to lounge and read; cool breezy nights to chill out and enjoy ourselves with old and new friends. Wine and conversation flowed freely. The children laughed and roamed without restriction. No boundries or curfews meant they were free to be children and enjoy. Both my husband and I exclaimed how happy and lucky we were. I felt safe and secure, alive and present for the first time in eons.

I had a niggle, a doubt but refused to succumb to it's temptation. I wouldn't allow myself to entertain any negativity. And there was my third mistake.

Since returning home the feelings of being refreshed and revived have diminished to ones of funcntionality and insecurity. I am facing redundancy at work and my husband and his buisness partner have dissolved their working relationship after a massive argument. We are both shellshocked and suffering from sus, "stiff upper lip syndrome", meaning we discuss the practicalities of the situation but not the emotional aspect. I akin myself to a pressure cooker and I know soon I am going to blow.

So here I am, at the start, at the begining, again. All my previous hard work and effort to create an eviroment I can work in, where people accept my "maddness", has been thrown into utter chaos and I am about to embark on a journey through, what appears to be, the most complicated maze my mind and my life have ever built for me. Which twists will take me to a dead end? Which turns will take me forward, backwards or sideways? What will I find at the centre and who will I be when, if, I come out the other side?

Looking for employment in the current economic climate fills me with fear and not just fear, dread as well. I have spent the last seven years creating a working enviroment in which I can work, well, in. I have worked closely with my manager, been as honest and as open as I possibly could to ensure I feel safe and secure whilst at work. I know how extremly lucky I was to have found the right company with the right manager who chose the right team at the right time. Could I be that lucky again? Where will I find a job and when that is found what sort of company will it be? It's not like I can walk into an interview and ask them what their HR policy is on dealing with employees who suffer with, sometimes servere, mental health problems. Does it discriminate against or be proactive for the mental wellbeing of said employee. Or maybe I can? I just don't know!

If lighting does strike twice and I manage to find another company, another manager, another bunch of slightly unhinged work collegues to work for and with, do I have the emotional strength? Will I be able to leave my armour at home or will I have to drag it round with me, everywhere, for the rest of my god damn life! 
I feel the walls of the maze rising, looming over me, towering above me. The passage ways narrow, I suddenly feel claustrophobic at the thought of my journey in there. I start to panic at the thought of what I must do, to navigate myself and my family through the unknown.

Breathe........ shhhhh...... Breathe.

Am I to turn right and look for another job? Or am I to turn left and go back to college? If I am to start again why not do it right and throw myself into the unknown lock stock and bloody barrel! Just trying to start the journey has my hackles up and my cages rattling. The inmates are no help, they have been somewhat subdued since I have started to acknowledge them, they look to me for guidance as they know I need to be in the driving seat for us all to succeed. I have to be strong, for them, for my family and for myself. So many things depend on the right decision being made. Storm clouds are overhead and if I don't choose where the journey will begin and soon I will be caught in it's path and where will I end up then? Focus. That is what I must do, focus, and start planning. Before any decisions can be made I must plan. Trust. Something I struggle with but I must trust my instincts, myself, to get through this. Belief. It is what I need, belief in my abilities, my choices, my decisions. Will I be made or will I be broken?

Sunday, 17 March 2013

@ The Asylum: Absent continued...

@ The Asylum: Absent continued...: I managed to get to work on Friday. Hard wasn't the word and by the end of the day I was exhausted. I did a good job, I think, of bein...

Absent continued...

I managed to get to work on Friday. Hard wasn't the word and by the end of the day I was exhausted.

I did a good job, I think, of being "ok". I laughed with the girls and I chatted. I caught up on my work, mostly. I did what was expected of me without complaint.

I came home and forced my way through a slumber party for Poppet and spent Saturday cleaning and cooking, being mum and wife.

Today I am functioning, just, Cooking and cleaning. Washing and ironing and playing nurse to the eldest who is not very well and of course running around after Poppet who is as demanding as ever.

All the while I am listening to the screams and shouts from the Asylum. Ellie wants control, to kick some butt, make me stand up for myself and tell the world to "Fuck the Hell off!" She doesn't understand why I allow others to put upon me. She is yelling at me for being weak, "Just walk away for gods sake.", she will never know what it is like to be in a relationship with anyone other than herself.

The Princess is feeling neglected and unloved. She demands attention, to be held and rocked, to be told everything is going to be ok and someone else is there to take care of her. She wants to run and play, have fun! She cries at me, says I don't let her out anymore. I don't provide her with laughter and games. I cannot get through to her that I don't have the strength.

It's the Shadow Child thats winning this fight. Her embrace brings the darkness, the silence is her gift. SC wants me to curl up and she will allow the shadows to hide me from reality. Her promises are lies and hide the truth - I know what lies within the shadows. She is trying to persuade me, with her in control, the physical being that I am will get the respite it requires. I will shut down and let exhaustion claim me. I, Nora, will then be locked in the Asylum. SC will tease me " I will surround you with the silence you crave. I offer you the chance to escape and build your own reality, away from the noise, distractions and demands put upon you. You will be able to sleep comfortably safe in the cocoon I will create for you. Let me nurture you and calm your soul and I will take you away from the edge, show you the delights of the darkness."

She is the one I need to fight today. Her temping words are hard to resist but I know her darkness having been trapped there before. The craving I have for silence can be satisfied only by her but at a price. The Shadow Child will torture me with the secrets she hides in her depths. Replaying the memories that have scarred my life until my resolve weakens and I am her prisoner again. She offers the fix to my addiction, oblivion, in addition to the pain she inflicts.

Last night a film was projected upon the back of my closed eyelids. The Shadow Child blinkers my eyes so my vision is focussed on the scene before me; A young girl, scarred and bewildered, staggers from a tent. There is laughter coming from inside. A cruel and viscous sound from two boys not much older than the girl. She rearranges her clothes and wipes the tears from her eyes, tries her best to look presentable, as she begins the walk home. She wont tell, she promised, too frightened by the boys threats to hurt her again. She can't tell. She shouldn't have been playing this far from home to begin with, especially with boys. She never tells. This will go with all her other dirty secrets. To be locked away in her mind, to try and forget. Walking home she feels the rage building but with no way of spending the excess energy she decides to lock it away also. This energy festers.
The scene is replayed again. Details become sharper, clearer. The scene lengthens, I do not want to watch but SC has me in a vice like grip as she laughs, revelling in my pain. Her laughter is drowned out by the voices on the screen. Two boys joking around - a young girl smitten, giggling, follows them to their den. I am fighting hard to wake, when awake I have the tools to view these memories as an objective bystander and not the victim. I am losing this battle and I began to scream out to the girl as the tent is zipped closed. Theres no chance of escape for both of us. I get to watch the scene over and over again throughout the night.

Upon waking I am shaken, exhuasted and emotional.

I start my day with a heavy heart and a cloud of shame. I hide my feelings away, put on my mask, its time to function.

@ The Asylum: Absent

@ The Asylum: Absent: I was not well enough to go to work last week. I stuggled on my own for three days, I was begining to unravel. I did nothing in those thre...